So my life of unmitigated douchebaggery rolls on.

If you've read this before, the pattern is pretty easy to spot, so I will spare ye. All I can say is that, as always happens, whenever I have medication changes, I get massive harshing of my brain chemistry's mellow. I am not sure why this never equates to weeks and weeks of irrational glee and euphoria, but it doesn't. It equates to weeks and weeks of irrational self-abuse, depression, hopelessness, and general Morrissey fandom.

This has happened often enough in recent years, but I have really screwed up this time. Fell off the wagon on nearly every vice I engage in after YEARS of good living. Even the Stadium Mustard and Pretzel Buns haven't been enough to coax me from meat-eating (the both work with meat - I think that is the problem.) Then there is the drinking and smoking. Worst of all, I still am not 100% off of meds (long story, but this the one thing I don't blame myself for.)

Naturally, concurrent with all of this, I have changed jobs (a good call for me since I am returning to a position I liked, and have the opportunity to do interesting things.) I am still largely unsettled in the new apartment, getting used to another new work routine. Hanging over me is the fact that I already know I am moving back to California next summer. It isn't hanging over me in that I don't want to - it looms because it means I have just wasted a huge amount of money and time if I don't salvage something from my time in the 312.

To be clear - I love Chicago. I don't think it is possible to dislike it. I think the happiest I might ever had been in my life would have been to return here when I was 30 and settled down. As it turns out, I have been away a long long time, and no longer feel bonded to it. I am not really feeling a part of this sorta thing anymore. For one, it is much more a real city than any of the cities out west is, and I am not as wild about that sorta thing as I was. I need city AND country, and I am not doing well with the whole cabin fever thing for 4-5 months. Since I have switched jobs and will be reducing the travel schedule significantly, one of the big incentives for being in the middle of the country is gone.

I will cop to finding the State of Illinois incredibly poorly run, and frustratingly so. I could come up with a list and arm's length long of shit I see here that drives me nuts - thought didn't when I didn't know any better growing up here. Illinois and Chicago tax like California and New York City, but don't have a fraction of the quality of life in either, and that doesn't work for me. If I am gonna make the lifestyle sacrifices, I at least want a boredom dividend.

This is just more of me ragging, and even I am sick of it at this point. I need to just get on with it. I think I will be able to look at back at my year in the Midwest as a good thing ultimately. I will have pruned down my possessions dramatically. I think I will have paid down a good deal of my debt too. That was primary in my mind for coming. I have also come to the - somewhat uncomfortable, but also largely liberating - understanding that I am a damn weirdo and am never going to feel comfortable ANYwhere. Now that I feel it here, I realize it is a permanent condition and I can pretty much be ok with saying I am from wherever I am. I don't know why this "where am I from?" thing became so important to me over time, but this year will be the death knell of it. I wish I had figured that out earlier; it would have made my life much easier I fear.

So we shall see. I am gonna treat the next 6 months as my Farewell To The Midwest tour. I have a long list of things I want to see and do with my time remaining, and if I am organized about it, I am pretty sure I get it all in. From there, I will be happy to visit the 312 from time to time, but I will finally be able to let go of that primal pull which long led me to believe that settling elsewhere was a waste of time because I would eventually pull up and return to Illinois. I guess 42 is better than 43 to get myself really settled somewhere, but I wish it had been 18.

For now, I will work on my wish list of stuff to pack in with my remaining Corn Belt tenure. If y'all see anything on the list you are down to get together on, ping a bro!