January 30, 2012
Kicking The Gong Around Pt 3194038

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So I had my weekend of agony come and go. Sucks. I am not complaining to the extent that I have done 90% of the dropping before winter started, but damn, the last mile is surely the hardest mile.

I saw a completely nightmarish documentary about pain pill abuse on NatGEO make its debut this weekend, and like a dummy I watched. It is bad enough to see another hysterical doc about pain pills that does nothing to document legit use and the real costs to the sick that the abusers and government cause (they did the requisite visits to Kentucky and Florida though, like clockwork); but to have to sit through that while in withdrawal was hell. On one hand, I will be glad to be free of the need to pay attention to such representations by being clean, but it dawned on me that d-bags like NatGEO are a big reason why I am trying to live without the meds. All the drug documentaries on cable are ads for the junkie lifestyle. They savor all the gory details of getting drugs every day and yet not ONE of them asks the only question that matters: Why do people in this country feel such a strong need to be mind-numbed every waking moment? Why in upwardly mobile capitalist paradise do so many folks want to check out?

That would be a hell of a lot harder to find interview subjects for I guess - at least honest ones. Most dealers and junkies have no problem being honest about their drug life, and it makes entertaining TV I guess. Why is it that we won't talk about how miserable so many of us are? Why is life blurred and numbed preferable to normalcy? Why would it be utter heresy for a pain patient to say "not only do I like the relief it gives me, but the side-effect euphoria is a welcome break from my usual depressed and tortured day." I know that the times my doses did give me a buzz, I used it almost exclusively to catch up on housework and life-stuff. Am I supposed to feel bad that I got some pleasure above the pain relief? Is that abuse too? Will anyone ever be able to discuss any of this stuff like adults?

Anyway - I am on the fence about all of this shit. I started dropping dose because much about treatment was becoming overly intrusive on my having a productive life. Now that I am mostly without such meds, and I have a sense of what my organic pain level is, I am not sure I want to stay free of the meds. I hurt every day still, and now I just take tons of over-the-counter stuff. Conservative treatment is way more meds and way less impact. Am I supposed to reel in horror from the idea that having more than enough relief available to me might not be the most evil thing on earth?

So I had a weekend of staring-contest-with-the-ceiling while jonesing for meds and it was hell. It wasn't as bad as I feared it might be, but it is horrible. I feel very sorry for the heroin users who are forced to go cold turkey in jail. Tapering off over months is hard enough. Having to be dope sick and untreated is a nightmare. That our society smirks at their misery shows what sadists we truly can be. The wasted lives are bad enough - the reflexive glee at the junkie making their own bed and having to lie in it is many times worse.

I again would ask if we will ever have enough self-esteem collectively (meaning, accepting who we are, as we are) to look at why so many people prefer being out of their mind to reality, and are willing to trash any chance of participating in society to continue pursuit of being high/drunk/etc? This was supposed to be the new world y'all! I won't wait up.

I am now down to fractions of pills. I don't have enough to be medicated every day. I am ok with all of it, but it really is hell in a lot of ways. I cannot do another lock-in at my hovel in the dark like I did this weekend. Too much time to think and nothing good to think about. All there is to think about is the giant FEED ME cry. Once I run out of my pill slivers, I will still have two weeks of hell to go through. I do intend to go all the way here to see what is on the other side. I can honestly say however, if all that is on the other side is pain, I will take the big step back and just reconcile myself to being a junkie for life. It is a life or death thing for me. That is hard to explain, but it is. I am not strong enough mentally to live with hard pain forever. I hope it isn't like that on the other side. At least I will be able to say, should I go back to dopiates, that I made a real run at trying to live clean. I don't think getting there is gonna break me, but hot damn, this is a hell of a lot of mental work, and I am a cracked pot. It would be awesome to pull off and get my life back, but it is dawning on me I may do the work and get something very different for my trouble. Sigh. I just gotta get through these next few weeks somehow to get my great revelation.

I am not sure how I will react if I find out "This Too Shall Pass".

Posted by rudayday at January 30, 2012 10:45 AM