February 02, 2012
Not Recreational Wall Climbing

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First day with a Grade A Bellringer and no meds to treat it. No me gusta el withdrawal to begin with, but I literally feel like gnawing my leg off to escape the bear trap this current headache is.

I mostly started all this shit to see if I could live without dope 24/7. Many days I can, but I am literally in terror of days just like this. Every thing I can do without dope to alleviate my grief has been done, and I still have me a killer brainbuster underway. If my choice is to live like this a few days a week solely to avoid taking dope the days I don't need it, then I am not sure it is a good bargain.

I am gonna try very hard not to crack today. Unfortunately for me, these big bellringers usually run for a few days in a row. I am just not sure I can do this. I spent years untreated, and spent those years on the verge of madness. That is how I got the dope flowing to begin with. Nothing but the heavy duty Judy will kill this, and I ain't got it. I just don't know what to do...spend my life an opiate zombie to prevent days like this or spend it alternating between normal and deranged. This is a tough tough choice. Today, the zombie life is looking pretty good I must say.

There is no way but forward go. It will all come out in the wash.

Posted by rudayday at February 02, 2012 12:13 PM