So about 10,000 words have built up and I am finally at the point where I am ready to let loose. This is gonna be bric-a-brac, but I am sure some thread will work its way through all of it. Sigh.
- I have a hard time remembering appointments and other people's important occasions, but for the last month, I have been obsessing on one of my own: The 10th Anniversary Of The Great Free Roll. It was in October and November of 2002 that I reached the end of my rope. I recall that 10.22.02 in particular was the worst headache I had ever had in my life. It was DAY FIVE of a headache that only got worse and worse as the days passed. By that day, I was despondent and literally at the end of my tether. Not only was I in day 5 of a nasty, I had been through at least 3 or 4 months of multi-day headaches with barely a day or two off in-between. By then too I was puking and worse constantly. It was my all-time low, and by 10.22, I was emotionally finished too. I literally did not value my life in the slightest by then. On that day, had I had a gun, i would have ended my life. Endless and grinding pain literally broke my will to live and left me at a point where I wanted an easy way out. I had been in bed at least the 2 days prior and hadn't eaten much and smelled homeless and had even used up my sleeping pills trying to sleep away the episode. The night before was the night where I was hallucinating from pain. I kept seeing a devil mask lit up in flashes of light like lightning. It was laughing (maniacally too - I trade in cliches no?) Then I kept imagining I was taking a tour of the herniated disc in my neck and could do a deep survey of it - almost like I was cave diving or something. Nuttiness. Worse, it was nuttiness I was captive to after nearly 72 hours in bed.
Long story short - I made it to 10.23, and in doing so, finally had the brain-buster let up a little. I made it to my Dr. appointment the next week, and that is when I got scheduled for my spine fusion. The surgeon looked at my MRI and literally said something like "holy shit" and "you need to take the next available fusion appointment". That I did. I have been fused for 10 years now. That didn't solve all my problems by a long shot, but it did end the 5-day epic meltdowns and the desire to blow my brains out. Thankfully, I didn't make any vows to God like "if you just make those headaches stop I promise to be good" (like Nick Cave, I am pretty sure God doesn't really intervene in these things.) I did make a little pledge to myself that if I ever get my life back, I won't waste it. By no means do I think I have my life back, but nonetheless, I do call the last 10-years my Great Free Roll. I haven't exactly been playing with house money, but I do know I wouldn't be around without something going my way.
One thing I have learned in this (and had later confirmed from other events) is that the clarity one gets at moments of such intensity is not something long retainable. As great the lessons and deep the feelings, it is simply impossible to live life through those lenses. The dog has to be walked, the trash has to be taken out, and the bills paid. One simply can't make those into cosmic events; as such, in time, the intensity fades, and you just have to live. That is about all I can say for myself in the Great Free Roll - I've lived. In these 10 years, I doubled my number of nephews, I got to see them grow a lot, I got to see a nice chunk of the planet, I remained employed (relatively gainfully), and I feel better now than I did at the time. Not cosmic perhaps, but not nothing.
Hmmm - when I imagined writing about the 10 year Free Roll, I thought a TON of shit would pour out of me about it. As I sit here typing, it just ain't happening. Perhaps I will try later. I have lots of other stuff to cover, including:
- My new room-mate.
- Burying the Chicago Demon
- Clean Living Pt. II
- My last CD order
- Manic Depression.
The 10,000 words appear to still be sitting there. All in due time I guess. Sorry this is taking so long to get productive!Posted by rudayday at November 13, 2012 07:03 PM