Nothing on. Nothing doin'.

I have been absolutely TERRIBLE in terms of personal habits. I picked up the smoking during my Great Opiate Kicking Event of 2012, and was supposed to dump it as soon as I was free and clear. I am almost a year clean and still smoking. For shame.

I also was supposed to return to clean living in terms of diet and exercise, and without question, I have totally failed at both of those. Buying a car has only made things worse since I don't even do the same amount of walking I was doing, as pathetic as that was already.

I am totally uninspired and unenthused to do ANYthing. I completely blame the anti-depressants. They are like a bulldozer to the soul. That isn't to say I don't like their pain-killing properties, and yes, the leveling of moods. That has benefits, but boy oh boy, it seems to level literally everything. I can feel my chemical ugly going on underneath it, I just feel it getting bulldozed. I dislike the idea that I have to accept the grief and the ugly to be able to experience any organic pleasures, but it seems to be so.

I need to get things together soon. The bad habits have to go. I will be clean a full year - no small feat - in February, but without having other things in order, the basic purpose for getting clean will be somewhat muted.

The lagging, nagging question is whether or not to go back onto my old meds. Other than the supply grief, I have to say I would probably be better off being BACK on opiates. I am in enough pain to justify it, and the meds I use instead have negative consequences (the anti-depressants are being used to counteract the brain-scrambling I get from Neurontin, which I take in immense quantities.) It would be one large dope bulldozer to replace the tens of pills I take everyday. That has advantages I must say.

I realize this is all I end up going on and on about here, but to be frank - this is what I have. I am just numbed, working, and recreating on weekends. No aim. No purpose. I am like a game manager in football, but for my own life. Totally boring and efficient. This is pointlessness. Time is ticking. I need to be writing. My thrill for doing so and drive to do so feels entirely bulldozed. I just can't justify putting the bulldozer away for the ends of self-expression. Maybe at some point I will, but I just can't right now.

As I always say - we shall see. In the meantime, keep in touch with me on Facebook. That is where the photos from the Jeep excursions have been going, and those are fun. The ride isn't cheap, and it is a pain in the ass to have to drive again, but in 6 weeks I have already seen a ton of California that I haven't seen before and like a lot. That has been the main source of pleasure for me of late and it is nice to have a hobby, no?